She wants to be free

Shorbani yet again. The usual self with usual doubts. Is it worth the wait? I mean, the last relationship was 13 years old…and it was not worth it. She still regrets that she wasted 13 years of her life after a man and a relationship which has left deep emotional scars in her mind. She realized the presence of the scars few weeks ago when Parvez was not keeping well. She was generally worried about Parvez’s health though it was a usual bout of viral and nothing much and she was taking care of him but a feeling of guilt crept in… All was going well, until Parvez’s temperature rose and she went back to memory lane when Harish used to get fever. Harish was prone to frequent chills and fever and it was her taking care of him all the time. It was kind of a Deja vu for Shorbani:- going through  the same exercise of nursing, mothering. When in the back of her mind she knew that Harish still has those fever attacks or whatever those are called and this time and from now on, there would be no one to take care of him. Because she is busy taking care of someone else. She is in love with Parvez and also feels bad about the fact that may be she is not doing justice to this relationship because of the scars that are so deep that it leaves her gasping for air. An air of trust, an air of confidence in putting everything that she has, again in a relationship. The question that comes to her mind is, “is it worth the effort’? The question that haunts her, “What if?” He is gone now and she cried a lot, she cried and hated herself for the feeling that she was going through:- The feeling of being in love. The feeling of guilt again. The feeling that she left Harish and now Parvez has left her as if God has punished her. She is scared what if he does not come back? What if he comes back but does not come  back to her? What if he forgets her too soon? What if she keeps waiting for her like she waited and wasted 13 years before? After all 6 months are half a year. Half a year of her life which she would be investing in a relationship like a gambler risking everything. Again the same fears have come back. The fear of being alone, left alone, left to wait in hope.  She wants to get rid of her guilt. May be she would visit a psychiatrist. She wants to start believing again. She does not want to be scared of taking a chance again.  She wants to be free…free …free… She wants to believe in the power of positive thought and that everything is going to be ok and that things would happen the way she wants them to happen this  time…