These are the times when I am most vulnerable. When I expect some nice gesture from my near and dear ones.
actual baat kuch bhi nai hai aur bahut kuch hai.
Today is my birthday (Happy birthday to me, many pleasant surprises to me).
But the day started like any other day and is going to end like any other.
When I was small, my parents would arrange a nice birthday party for me, decorate the house with balloons, streamers and I would call all my friends. That was such a big day for me. I used to feel so special. New clothes, gifts, so many nice things to eat. As I grew up this trend also stopped. My parents got busy, I would rather give treat to my friends in school as I hardly had any friends in my colony. And since my birthday is in February, most of us remained busy with exams.
But this day still remained special, as friends would wish me and give me gifts. I still had new clothes to wear. But today everything seems so empty.
My colleague, Sumangala was the first one to send me an e card on 31st Jan, followed by my cousin, Shonali, who sent me a SMS at 12;14 in the night. He also came on 31st evening to say that this year he would not be here for my birthday as on 1st he has a flight to Bangalore. I was not expecting anything from him though, however, I am kind of used to having him around my birthday as usually he is the first person to send me flowers in the morning. Anyway, our conversation again ended up in argument and he left, this time peacefully though.
In the morning, Mom woke me up for office and wished me, my brother wished me then my dad. Mom had asked me to go to Kali Bari as I am going through such a rough patch in my life. So dad took me there. I wanted to sit there for long but had my office to attend. In the temple I saw the picture of Thakur Lok Nath Bromhochari, my Guru, who I have been worshiping since childhood and whose photo I left back in Janak Puri out of anger. I was missing my God also today. Somehow, it adds a touch of reality if you have a picture of God rather than thinking about him in your mind.
Anyway, went to office, Shailesh remembered my birthday and wished me. No body else knew about it till lunch time when Shailesh informed. I never wanted them to know as I was not in a mood to treat anyone. But still treated them with icecream. Thought of going out to McDonalds with the gang but dropped the idea. Thought I should take my family out. Took an auto in the evening and paid 30/- for 3 kms distance as I wanted to reach home on time. When I reached home, my dad was ready to go out to give tuition classes. He goes out every evening for the same reason. This has been his routine for many years. I told him if he could avoid going out today as I was planning to go out but he was not keen. Wanted a home delivery. I was thinking in my mind, it would have been so great if he could just stay at home for me. I don’t want any gifts or any new clothes (I wore an lil old dress today) I just wanted my family to be with me at this time specially when they know I am going through such a tiring time. I thought may be they would do some thing nice if not grand to make me feel good, but it was just another day of the calendar. I also reluctantly ordered food from out side only for them. Did not order for myself because 1st I was sad, 2nd I was not in a mood to eat sick old tandoori khana. But I was feeling hungry so made a sandwich and egg, but there was a surprise at the door for me. He came to give his usual gift, 28 roses and a chocolate. (He could not go to bangalore due to airport strike) I was touched and almost felt like hugging him. These are the times when I needed my family the most and would get disappointed and then he comes to bring a smile on my face. These are the times when I get drifted at the slightest touching gesture. And this is what has been happening for all these years. He always comes to fulfill that space. But I controlled my emotions. Did not even ask him to sit down or offer a glass of water. He left immediately. And after that I cried and cried. I miss the good times that we once shared. I thanked him thru SMS for that gift and kept saying sorry in my heart for being so rude. But I had no option. I do not want to deviate this time. I am scared to trust him, I am scared. I do not want to get hurt again. He called me again to know how did I celebrate my birthday and started insisting on taking me out for dinner as no one celebrated my birthday. But I refused.
I have cried a lot today, because I am feeling lonely, because I hurt him, because I wanted to feel cared for. He showed me that he cares, but I do not want to get carried away to come back hurt, humiliated and abused again.
No matter how big we grow, but we still want and expect to be cared for from our family, specially our parents and when that is missing we try finding that outside. If we are lucky we may find what we were looking for else we usually come back hurt.
All my friends birthday went like this- Sanju had a bad day, Papiya spent her birthday packing. Friends who wished me, Sanju, Kreeti, Seema, Tanika, Madhu, Sumangala, Rupa. Shailseh, Suresh, Papiya. Friends who forgot- Moumita, Mahasweta, Jaya, Shoumita. (Friends who could not-kaberi, she recently lost her father, today was his shraadh.
that’s how it went, so far, a day gone like any other day.
Honest confession- I am sorry Sonu for being so indifferent to you but I just can’t trust you any more, and believe me it pains. Confession no.2, I was feeling sad when Madhu called to say today its there 4th anniversary, and I, on the other end of the phone, would not be able to celebrate my 1st anniversary, as I am thinking of divorce.


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