Again I start to write, again after a long time. Had gone through many ups and downs, latest on the list being a divorce followed by a relocation. Did not know how to react to this incident of my life. Awaited so many years just for the marriage to happen and now its all over. I had sent sms to all my close friends that day. My cousin replied and I am mentioning only her because what she wrote really forced me to think. She said, any chance to life is worth feeling happy for. So here I am feeling light (happy or not I do not know, may be I am) after dropping my past baggage.
It feels great to live your life in your own terms, without restrictions. It feels lonely also sometimes when you have no one to go back home to. Well I should not call it a home in the first place. It’s a guest house, dirty, cramped guest house full of strange people. I call them strange because I do not know them. Your people make you your home and I do not have my people here. It feels lonely many times. But come to think of it you feel lonely even when you are among your own people. When you go back home you see your family there but still you do not feel like sharing your things with them. You have a boyfriend a husband still you feel lonely because you are always expected to do things to please him to avoid fights. Anyway now at this stage I should not be talking about these things as now I am at least free and apart from being a little patch of loneliness here and there , as such there is no stress in life. (Touchwood)
I still long for my friends. It is so much fun with them around. Looking forward to when few of them would come and join me here.
One friend told me that he would spend his new years eve with me, well, I knew it already that time that he would not come and I told him so but he still insisted that he would and I replied, “Tu bhi yahi hai and mai bhi yahi hu, dekhte hai”. Well I am proved right.
That is precisely the reason why I do not expect anything from anyone because I know it is very easy to promise but very difficult to deliver.
One thing more that I do not like is taking obligations from others. It kind of gives the other person a chance to prove to others that how helpless you have been and this person came to your rescue. I dont not like being helpless. And I, thinking that person to be a good friend asked for help. But you know what, I was proved right. He did precisely the same , went about telling others how he helped me.
Never imagined my life to be like this as a child. Always ambitious. Always dreaming. And father would tell me to stop fantasizing. Why do I keep looking back every time and think what I lost or could not do. I can prefer to choose to feel happy about the things that I have got in the process.
So lets see what have I got? A good fulfilling job, independence, family, friends. What else contributes to a happy life? I am happy at least I can make a choice with a free mind.
If this time I hurt myself then no one else is to be blamed because I am consciously doing certain things. Being aloof and lonely is one of them…may be.
I love to be alone sometimes but I also love to be surrounded by people. My friends complain, why do I need so many people around me? I do not have an answer to convince them it is just a good feeling. I like people…generally. And life is so short and unpredictable that I really do not feel the need to restrict myself to few people. I am being branded as “immature” by some of my friends, naïve by many others but just because I have a different point of view does not give the right to pass judgment about me, by any one.
So who do I hate the most in my life? No one. Not even him. I think the most hated part of my life is my state of loneliness. I wish I could do something about it.
Who do I love the most in my life? Well, that is difficult, because I love so many people that I really can not say who do I love the most.
I do not know why have I become so aloof. I want good for everyone. Yet I do not want to be bothered anymore.
Something I wish, a home where I would look forward to going back every evening. A loving family. A dog and no stress. Friends coming over once a month having a good quiet time with them. Going to their places once a month. You know small little things that we take for granted. I want all the small little things.
I am ambitious in my own way. But small things is what makes you big, I guess.
What is it that I want to write that also I do not know. Just writing as if I would have written in my diary.
Will try to write more often now.