Monthly Archives: September 2007

Kahani puri Filmi hai


If there is something which can get better than this then I really need to know that. No wait a second, actually this is not what I wanted to write. I wanted to tell you all a story of someone. Someone I know very closely. Its about a character called Shorbani, Shorbani Ghosh.  This story is about her marriage and her friend Manoshi’s  funny ordeals with sex and her journey towards her sexuality. Since this story is a story of Shorbani’s marriage there has to be a groom too, his name is Aditya Mittal. 

So here is the story of “Jab we married” rather “Jab they married”. 

We can also name it, “Jab they married while someone was clueless about sexual unison” 

You all look so confused. Arrey bhai, kahani mein twist bhi to chahiye for that extra zing nahi to Pepsi would not have come out with lemon flavored cola and Kamasutra would not have come out with flavored edible condom. These days Hindustan Latex has gone an extra mile by coming out with a vibrator too. Any way, that’s out of context as of now. 

So let me start the story telling. 

Once upon a time, there lived a girl called Shorbani Ghosh, who was recently divorced. Recent bole to 9 months which is recent based on Indian standards. She comes down to this city, some city in India because she was to join a new company and later her friend Manoshi also joins her in the same department.  

Manoshi has only one tragic story in her life. She has always lived a life of celibacy because she till date has not been able to find a good man. Good for her. Shorbani on the other hand did find a man who she later married and much later divorced for reasons that are not important for this story.  

Never the less, lie aankho mein dher saare khwab, she comes to this city with 5 suitcases out of which the most important suitcase was left behind at home in New Delhi due to her absent mindedness.  That suitcase  was later shipped, by her then so called useless, loser boyfriend.   That big suitcase had all her clothes, so till the time the big thing did not arrive , she had a wear a pink saree which she thankfully carried in one of the other  suitcases.  

This pink saree has a lot of history to it. This was bought from a Garden sale before she was married. She had gone to this sale with her then boyfriend who is now her ex-husband. This saree is like those umbrellas that you suddenly find in the closet just before stepping out in the rain. In short, a saree in need is a saree in deed. That’s why all old Hindi films have these kinds of saree which the heroine wears just before getting wet in the rain followed by a pre marital sex with the hero.

In Shorbani’s case it was different. The second time this saree came to her rescue was when she was completely soaked like a used sanitary napkin because of the mindless rain while waiting for auto on her way back to her PG. The same day she had a flight to catch. She did not have anything better to wear because everything was packed and then she spotted this saree which saved her from embarrassment.   

Chapter 1:-  Jab They Met 

Shorbani met Aditya in a camp. They call it Bar Camp (BTW, my typing skills are one of a kind, I was about to type Bra Camp instead of Bar Camp).  So this Bar Camp is a camp which is for some purpose which I  till date could not figure out.

Later that evening all ‘left over campers’ went to some pub and drank away to glory. As strange as it can get, Shorbani and Manoshi were the only two women in a group of almost 35 odd men most of whom were strangers. In that pub, a lot of talking happened over mugs of beer and vodka and some of the talks led to some good re-connect too while in the process both  Shorbani and Manoshi were sloshed out and later were kind of carried back home by Aditya, who himself was reasonably tipsy.   

Aditya who was introduced to Shorbani by Vinay, the same morning at the Bar Camp as an administrator of a web based group which Shorbani was interested in.  Vinay at that point of time, in this pub , was squishy squashing the  curd rice that he got packed for his rainy days, read, 11 PM, when he gets really hungry.  Manoshi in the meanwhile was professing her love for Vinay by dropping Gobhi Manchurian on Vinay’s crotch which she was very gently in a lady like manner, picking up and eating, almost like those fingers foods that one can eat while in the act.  

Shorbani found Aditya quite impressive and called her cousin in Mumbai to advise her to date this man once she comes down to Shorbani’s city. The cousin accepted the offer without having any clue that Shorbani would later on marry her own “could have been brother-in-law” and make Aditya her cousin’s real life “brother-in-law” The story of the hunter getting hunted. 😛

The next few days the three nut cases, Aditya, Shorbani and Manoshi kept meeting over cups of tea, film festivals and music concerts coupled with  non stop jokes. Few trips outside the city and Shorbani and Aditya fell in love.  

Chapter 2:- The Pehla Kiss (Wanted to write First Chumma but it sounds crass) 

It had happened all of a sudden. On their way back from a trip, in the train in front of full public view, though the public was sleeping that time. At the spur of the moment Shorbani was kissed by Aditya.  Poor Shorbani had no clue that Aditya had fallen in love with her and she kept wondering  how should she react. Aditya instead of saying “I love you” in full filmy ishtyle, said that he was sorry. This is not something he does often. Shorbani on the other hand thought, “Yeah!!! Right”.  

 Chapter3:- The confession and the subsequent dates (Tareek pe taareek) 

One day after they had come back from this particular “kissing you to surprise” trip, Aditya calls her over for God knows what?  Oh! Yes for some Vodka and music and she accepts the invite on Outlook and they meet at Aditya’s home.

Aditya who still is a married man, going through a divorce, confesses of falling in love with Shorbani and after few exchange of notes both fall in love head over heels. 

That day was still not a date but more of a “day of confession.”  

The first date happened over a regional movie which both had planned to see together and later preferred to have some good food consisting of fish and rice  instead. Aditya bought her flowers while she kept standing there and felt amused.  

On their second date they danced and got drunk at a disco over vodka shots. Third date was at a local pub over vodka shots.  Fourth date was over wine and kebabs and live ghazals in the backdrop. The Fifth date was again at home over lot of wine, food and then passing out together. But the most erratic of them all was their sixth date when they simply disappeared into thin air, no where to be found by anyone.  

On their sixth date they simply planed to go to the Himalayas for a trek to a temple which is 13,000 ft above sea level.  

Chapter 4:- The flight to flight (sixth date) 

The plan was to take a flight to Delhi, then a train to Haridwar and then decide the next course of action.

As planned, Shorbani leaves for her house from her work to collect her luggage. It was raining and she changed into that pink saree. On her way she gets a call from Vinay who was to meet his girlfriend for the first time in some city but as bad luck would have it, he had missed his morning flight thinking it to be an evening flight. So now the scene was, Aditya, Shorbani traveling together on their 6th date with Vinay who had introduced them.  

In the flight, they go berserk while playing pictionary with topics like “loose motions”, and few more objectionable topics to draw, few photo clicking sessions and later Shorbani’s ears getting blocked due to air pressure  and the Airhostess coming running to her with all honest intentions of helping her feel better which she did by making strange faces while trying to show how to blow air of your ear. This trick was tried by Vinay leading to air coming out from his eye instead of ear, nose or some other exhaust chamber  of his body.  

Chapter 5:- The Sixth date and few extras  

Both lead actors of this story reach Delhi and check in a hotel. They had to board a train to Haridwar at 6 the next morning.  The next morning they get stuck in a traffic jam.  Its 5:45 already by Shorbani’s watch and the station seems to be far away. Their fear is fueled by an arbit porter who goes on saying, “Train 6 baje ki hai, 10 minute to reh gai, ab kaha se pakroge?”  

Now this was like AXN’s amazing race. Shorbani was thrilled by the thought of it so she says, “Aditya, lets run”. 

Aditya with his huge back pack and Shorbani’s suitcase starts running along with Shorbani who was carrying just a small duffel bag. On the way, they were stopped by a police man, their suitcase frisked. They start running again. Aditya almost fell off at one point of time because of all that luggage that he was carrying, while Shorbani was still thrilled. Finally, they arrive, board the train to Haridwar. 

Whille they were oblivious of everything, completely submerged in to each other like  tea bags, hired a  cab to this place which later on became their marriage venue.   

Behind their back they did  not even have the slightest idea that the whole world is searching for Shorbani in the meanwhile.  

Chapter 6:- The Shaadi 

Shorbani’s dad went berserk as he had not been able to talk to her for the past three days. This was reason enough for Shorbani’s mother to go on a crying spree thinking that Shorbani has either been kidnapped or has met with an accident. All her cousins in Mumbai and other cities were informed that Shorbani was missing.  Shorbani on the other hand, blissfully unaware of this chaos, was getting married to Aditya in the Himalayas. Shorbani’s dad almost planned to come down to the city where she lived, in search for her. He even went up to the extent of looking for her boyfriend, Aditya’s whereabouts on the internet.

He looked for numbers of her office and was later told by one of Shorbani’s colleague, “Sir, you were supposed to pick her up from the airport on Friday.” 

Shorbani’s dad, “What!!!??? What the F&*@k!!!!”  

Her Colleague, now panic-stricken, called up the Delhi office, “Should I lodge a police complaint?” 

To which Shorbani’s Delhi Colleague replied, “Wo bahut tez hai, chinta mat karo. Mujhe to bataya tha ke wo Haridwar jaane wali hai.” 

Shorbani’s inquisitive colleague to Manoshi, “Is she with some one? Is that other person a member of your traveling group? Do you know this person?” 

Manoshi, who just came back from some place where she had screwed up a good love making and her enlightenment towards sex, was completely flabbergasted and angry on Shorbani who in her usual absent mindedness forgot to tell her about her trek plan.

Manoshi that evening wrote a nasty e mail to Shorbani which Shorbani never read as she was instructed by Manoshi not to read it because it was written at the spur of the moment out of anger.  Manoshi did something more that evening.  She called up Vinay to a cafe and bored him to death with her constant bickering.

As of now Manoshi plans to lead a happy life full of  sex, vitality and lots of 30+ capsules.  She is even planning to go on a fucking spree and recently realized that there is no problem at all with her sexuality. 

Shorbani’s cousin, called up Manoshi to enquire about Aditya. This was the same cousin who Shorbani was planning to hook up with Aditya. Manoshi, like a true friend, assured and reassured this cousin but could not do anything about another cousin, who e mailed everyone asking them about Shorbani’s whereabouts.

A friend even called Manoshi, after reading that e mail and asked, “Where are we going to get the dead bodies?’ 

Thankfully, the chaos was settled soon when Shorbani and Aditya came back and threw a modest party in the name of Delhi Food festival.

The story of the food festival also is very interesting. 

Chapter 7:- The Marriage Party.  (Delhi 6) 

Shorbani’s trip to Delhi 6, which is nothing but Old Delhi with Pin Code 11 00 06.

In hot summer she went to Delhi 6 with another friend and was throughout showered with profanities for making this plan of getting food from old Delhi in the hot Delhi summer. But, Shorbani was determined because she had promised everyone with some good treat. They had paranthe from paranthe wali gali, bought  lots of sweets then went to Jama Masjid from Fatehpuri masjid which took them one and a half hours to reach a walking distance of 10 minutes because of the traffic jam.  The profanities continued in the meantime. On her way, Shorbani dropped her bag in the street while trying to pick up Aditya’s phone call. The profanities went on.  Finally they reached the place where food was to be bought from and after placing the order for almost 2000 bucks both realized they did  not have enough money. The profanities continued. The order came down to a smaller scale eventually. 

Chapter 8:- Her Journey back to her husband. 

At the airport, Shorbani paid 2000 bucks for 25 kgs of excess baggage and was the second last passenger to arrive and board the flight just in the nick of time.  At the security check, constable Jujhar Singh with a huge blue turban, was cribbing why people can never reach on time and why do they have to break the queue? Shorbani requested Jhujar Singh and gave her story and was finally let in. At the flight counter also, she was stopped by two Mexican women who claimed to have come there before her. Before that Shorbani’s dad pestered her to get married to Aditya (Officially) as soon as possible with an option of 6 marriage date to choose from.  

Inside the flight, when the important security announcement was going on, Shorbani was fiddling with her phone and head set. She was wondering why there is no sound coming from the head set and why is everyone turning back and looking at her. She pulled out the head set from her ear only to realize that the phone was on loud speaker with the song playing, “Gaand mei danda de  mixed with “Kursi ki Peti is tarah baandhi jaati ha…” 

As embarrassed as she could get, she quickly stopped the music but there was no end to her embarrassment. After an hour she sees an air hostess running towards her bag and asking, “Who’s bag is this? Its leaking.”  

 Chapter 9:- Their Union 

Shorbani arrived. Aditya was waiting for her with a huge bouquet of carnations, her favorite flower. At home friends came, they partied, many objectionable photos.  Manoshi and Shorbani almost in all possible lesbian act. Passed out. Aditya heating bowls after bowls of food in the micro wave to feed the hungry friends. Shorbani along with another friend did a “Bakra” act before that on all other friends with partial success. All friends had left. Manoshi and Shorbani, sloshed out. Aditya comes to their rescue again as he had come on the first day when they all had met. Manoshi blissfully slept while Aditya woke Shorbani up after almost 1 hour of coaxing to a surprise filled night full of light, more light and fragrances…  To be continued…..


Now I see you online.

I have a friend and the friend has a father, the father is a retired government official and the official loves to chat on G Talk in English, chatting is a new sport for him and he is still learning the rules of the game and that is why he does not know the internet chat lingo that is in use.

Thus he writes, “ I have been told by your mother that you needed to talk to me about your tax calculation for financial year 2008. Tell me how can I help?”

 Dr. Motion’s prediction for year 2008, when all government employees shall become chat savvy.

There would come a new internet chat lingo that will read like as under:- 

Mr. Sharma G Talk’s Status message: Greetings from Mr. Sharma, IAS, Maharashtra Cadre, 1972 Gold Medalist   

Mr. Sharma  I here by log in to inquire the wellbeing of my daughter, Ms Sanjukta Basu, d/o of Mr. Sharma, that is myself.

 Mr. Sharma  Hence, I ask, how are you?Sent at 11:53 AM on Friday

Sanjukta  hi fine

Mr. Sharma  I have been concerned about your ill health which I was informed about by Dr. Sinha. This chat is also to bring to your kind attention that, your mother, my wife, Mrs Sharma would be requiring a new red saree for Durga Puja. Durga Puja, as you know is celebrated with a lot of fan fare in Delhi. Thus I ask, how can you help her?

Sanjukta  dad am ok.. dont worry bout my health.. i’ll get the saree for mom.. how is riya and jango? is he still peeing on the balcony wall? our neighbour didn’t bothr u for that?Sent at 11:59 AM on Friday

Mr. Sharma  I am greatly obliged for your consideration for buying red saree and am equally delighted to know that you are health wise fine. This gives me immence pleasure to inform you that both Riya Sharma and Jango Sharma are in best of their health and spirits. You will be happy to know that Jango Sharma, dog of Mr. Sharma and Family, does not urinate on the balcony there by recreating peace with the neighbours.  Also, .  I see your red button becoming green and then grey in the evening. Now I see you online. Please explain your balls. Thanking you once againWarm RegardsYour Dad, Mr. Sharma

Sanjukta  lol

Mr. Sharma  What is “lol” please explain this abbreviation

Sanjukta  dad, lol = Laugh out Loud

Mr. Sharma  Why are you laughing out loud? Lol to you also

Sanjukta  nothing just like that

Mr. Sharma  You have become very uncultured. All my training, and sheekha deekha, eke baare chule gelo. Ekhoni feer-e chole esho, hetai esho, jethai achho, okhan theketomare eto din dekhi nai, tomare dekhibaar ichhaSent at 12:08 PM on Friday

Mr. Sharma  tomaar bibah dibar shutre, onek patro dekhilam. Tomar, Jononi, oti beshi krodh korar korone tahar uchho rokto chaap, aar manoshik santulon ekebaare hariya felibar seemant-e achhe. Doya koriya, choliya asho. Kritharto thakibo.  

Caution Issued in Public Interest:- Mr. Sharma when angry loses his cool and changes the chat language to roman bangla but that too is one of a kind that I read in my text books in school.  

Disclaimer from Dr. Motion:- The future looks bright.