Category Archives: Humor

Alleppey

I don’t understand women, especially if the woman is a bitch.  Well, I am talking about my female Labrador Alleppey. She would steal Mishka’s toys, break them, snatch biscuits from her, break things, try to sneak away with Mishka’s clothes or belongings. I don’t undersatnd her jealousy. We give her lost of attention but she is still jealous of our daughter. She would beat up our male Labrador and then give a very sad look making us feel guilty.  That’s her…

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Because you are not worth it.

Poor people are not worth a beautiful skin or a beautiful body that is why all these beauty products are priced at a premium rate so that only a particular section of the society remains worth it. How else would Mrs. Lal look younger than her maid Lalli? After all not everyone can afford a cream worth Rs.650/- or a monthly facial worth Rs.1500/-

But the scene is not that bad as you might think. The unorganized sector of domestic maids is also seeing the economic boom, at least in metros. That is why, my maid could go to a neighborhood  parlor to get threading done, she could ask the tailor for the making charges of a dress which she saw in Vogue, she could be picky about the Almond drops and Fructis shampoo and the Ponds cream.  Am I jealous? Well a little bit. After all who would feel happy to be clubbed with her maid and being seen at the same parlor sitting next to each other? Snobbish? Yes it is and that is why I believe, Socialism, Marxism are  failed theories because there would always be class divide and we shall ensure that the divide remains. How else would we feel special and a little “hat ke” ?  So what if my maid has dinner with me on the same table and eats the same food, so what if we watch TV together and sometimes I would cook continental for her which she would hate, so what if she once in a while sips port wine with us? I still cannot be seen at the same parlor with her. It’s a social crime.

The maids are trying hard to dress like their madams, in Capri and makeup. They try hard to ape us like we ape the phirangs but can they win? May be not today but after few generations later, they will. As long as we have enough open land where they can go to poo, till that time we will remain their Madams. The day they get a western commode in their homes we will lose whatever little luxury we have. Therefore it is very important for us to buy even bigger and pompous real estate, huge cars and expensive holidays. And then, when they become like us, we would show them our austerity drive, our fight for a social cause and our Botox and our B job.

You see the race will never end, someone will always try to catch up with us and thus it is more important for us to run even faster. The faster we run, the difficult it is for anyone to catch up and be like us. So we have to keep the prices high. Till then they can stick to shampoo sachets and we will stick to our hair extensions.

Rule of Anarchy

I think I live in a jungle, no I am sure I live in a jungle village. I have run out of cooking gas and its been 25 days Bharat Gas has been efficiently inefficient in not delivering gas but delivering false promises; Gas delivery happening today at 11 a.m. which becomes 2 p.m. after 12 noon and then 6 p.m. by the time its 4 p.m. and after 6 p.m. it becomes delivery happening next day. Apparently Bharat Gas is known for their ever delaying delivery in Bangalore. However their website has all the big talks on customer satisfaction and customer being the king. The days of the monarchy being over; customer being the king backfires everywhere in Bangalore, be it plumber, who will tell you that he will come for sure, and he does come after 15 days of chasing when he realizes that the next day is a dry day and he would need more money to buy alcohol in black. Autowalahs are the shining example of customer service and performing their duties of taking us helpless commuters to our destination when it rains and IT city roads are water logged, when open drains become death traps; They simply look at you top to bottom and do a quick mental calculation which depends on how drenched you are and how far do you stay because that is exactly proportionate to the amount of fleecing that they can do.

 

Karnataka, I think, is the only state where you need a ration card to get a new connection for cooking gas. No election card, no passport (which you used to travel to USA when 9/11  happened), no nothing doing, only ration card. So what do you do if you were stupid enough to think that driver’s license, passport, voters card, pan card are all government authenticated valid documents and missed out on making a ration card? The answer is simple, you buy gas in black and the vendors will happily sell you cooking gas illegally because the state itself promotes dishonesty by tying up your hands since you don’t have a ration card. How does one get a ration card? Well I don’t know, I don’t even want to know because I anyway won’t be going to a ration shop, stand in a queue to buy my share of dust filled, husk filled, stone laden grains.

 

Why do I get a feeling that it is more useful if you are either a poor or a rich kid in this country, or may be a dalit because general category people from middle class families can’t arm twist the government nor do they get anything from the government’s kitty because the government won’t get anything from the educated middle class. They can’t brain wash us by giving us saree or free TV sets, nor can they earn heavy revenue from us because we won’t be starting a infrastructural project in their state. Yes all we do is pay our taxes on time which helps them get their salaries and buy new cars with great shock absorbers after all in Bangalore you need great shock absorbers and huge asses to take all the bumpy rides. I am sure I must have broken a few small bones already in 2 years becuase I don’t have a huge cushy ass, but repetitive torture of bumps, pot holes, open drains, no footpaths, lot of traffic has already numbed my senses to feel any more pain.

 

I have already given an ultimatum to my husband to get out of this village before I lose my mental balance and he finds me in some city mental hospital.

 

Here’s my wish list (which no one is interested in but still):- I want gas delivered on time and not wait for 20-25 days every month, I want good and intelligent customer service from my credit card company especially Citibank which goes berserk every month precisely 10 days before my due date fearing I might runaway to Afghanistan, I want good customer service from Airtel which can not provide a simple service like call conferencing, where agents don’t understand the difference between call details and call charges, I want quick resolution of petty problems like fixing water pipes which took an entire day of pestering, no 1000 bucks grocery bill where the grocery list contains potato, onion, mango, orange, bread and milk, I want better roads where I can walk without a life or accident insurance, I want footpaths and not drain covers in the guise of footpath, I want honest autowallas. Ah! Me and my huge expectations.

 

Note:- Hate comments though not welcome, will anyway get them on my blog because that’s what people do, join on-line fight clubs and not address real issues.

Pingu G.K.

pinguThings that I did not know about Pingu. {Source:- Wikipedia}

 

Pingu is the main character of the series. He commonly uses the “megaphone-like beak” gesture and “NUG, NUG!” sound to indicate anger, happiness, frustration or to get attention.

 Pingu can also chanmself into many shapes at will, such as a ball. Pingu is also very accident-prone, much to his parents annoyance.

Pinga(called ramblanc in the early version of the lost baby) is Pingu’s little sister. She first appeared in the episode Pinga is Born. In all of the series 1 and early 2 episodes she appears to be about 18 months old. In the further episodes she is 3. Although she is seen attending kindergarten in one episode, Pingu gets jealous when she has to stay home while he has to go to school.

 

Mother and Father. Pingu’s father is a postman, who smokes a pipe. He has a motorised sledge to deliver the mail. Pingu’s mother spends most of her time at home in the igloo. Mother and Father share a lot of the work in the home (e.g. knitting, cooking and ironing). Mother sometimes gets help from Pingu & Pinga, but in the episode Pingu Refuses to Help, the kids decide not to help her. They helped her again in Pingu’s Pancakes, the worst thing he did to her was tease her in Noise.

 

 Grandpa is Pingu’s grandfather. He’s an expert accordionist, and a former weight lifter from the 1930s.

 

Robby(called Seymour the baby seal in the audiobooks) the seal is Pingu’s best friend. His name is a pun; ‘Robbe’ is German for ‘Seal’. He first appeared in in the episode Pingu Goes Fishing.

 

Pingi is Pingu’s girlfriend. She first appeared in in the episode Pingu’s Admirer.

 

Pingo is a friend of Pingu. He has a long beak, essentially flat at the bottom but slightly rounded on the top, which is slightly shorter than that of Pingg, also his head is wider and taller. He usually tries to get Pingu to do wild and silly things.

 

Pingg is a friend of Pingu. He is shorter than Pingo, his head is also shorter and his beak is slightly longer and more pointed than that of Pingo.

 

Pongi is a friend of Pingu. He wears glasses.

 

Punki is another of Pingu’s friends. He has tufts on the top of his head and wears striped trousers.

 

Bajoo is also one of Pingu’s friends. He is revealed by hit entertainment as a ‘strange newcomer to the antartic in the appearance of an abominable snowman!’ He is actually an abominable snowman who recently appeared on the Pingu episode Pingu and the Abominable Snowman. He also appeared in the music video and in the pingu show(this is a broadcasting device and not an episode by itself).

In Transit

We are a confused lot. Still in transit from the days of independence till post modern, neo-liberal, globalised, rising economy.  In the cacophony of so many things happening at the same time, we don’t know nor can we make up our minds for what do we want.

 

We look for authentic Chinese and then pour bottles of soy sauce to make it apt for our palette. We love to be sexually liberated but still keep fighting for “bharatiya sanskriti” and convince people not to kiss in public though fighting in public and showing violence is acceptable.  On asking they would probably say, “Kamasutra  was a written by someone else but not Indians. Ismein padosi mulk ka haath hai.”

 

You will see Valentine goodies everywhere which means it is legal to buy those but you also get thrashed by the police for holding hands in public on Valentines day and cases go unreported. After all that one tight slap must have made you all the more confused.

 

We have ultra chic hot babe who was the catch of the University for the minis she wore, suddenly after marriage becomes a woman shrouded in mystery for now, she is covered head to toe in a 9 yard sari, running after kids, screaming in English, “Baby come here, eat your cereal.”

 

House wives who were a complete “behenji” at one point of time, suddenly become this mall hopping, brand ambassadors of Mc. Donald’s after their rich techie husbands buy them houses in Gurgaon.

 

We are a confused lot because we truly believe in modern, independent working women and how sad these Balaji Tele serials are but in the evening the husband still expects the wife to cook Roti Daal, and the wife still wants the man to be the bread winner of the family. The day ends the way it has been ending for years; a dinner in front of TV with Balaji serials running.

 

Our government also is confused. For many years they objected to industrialization which they now want and then we have industries too which are later made to shut down because there is another party protesting against it, “Why industry? Our farmers are happy tilling the land and growing bananas out of it.”

 

We covert because there is caste based discrimination in one religion and later we come back saying we need the freebies because we are dalit Muslims and dalit Christians.

 

We crib because the administration sucks, the government is going all capitalist but seldom take an active role to bring any change. We hate America and capitalism yet we welcomed Bill Clinton, the tourist, as if he was God. Then we say, “Atithi Devo Bhava” and then we go rape and kill a Scarlett Keeling. We also have the audacity to say, “Uski maa kharab thi. Akhir maa baap hi to sanskar dete hai apne bachho ko” then we go about covering Dr.Talwar’s entire story hell bent upon proving him guilty of his daughter’s murder.

 

We all want to be famous and we have reality shows and once we are famous we want holiday homes in isolated islands to look for peace destroying the ecology of the island while we build our vacation home. Then we complain about global warming and blame others and also complain about the water shortage that poor people are facing while we keep the tap running as we talk on the phone.

 

We think and re-think and keep thinking about why Mrs. Sharma’s daughter had a divorce, after all hers was a love marriage and then we scream at our daughter-in-laws and expect her to show some “bharatiya sanskriti” by washing clothes for us and cooking 7 course meal.

 

We shun porn but would love to touch those breasts of that young girl in a crowded bus.

 

We take pride in our rich culture yet don’t blink when we misbehave with women in pubs and flights. We want dancing to be banned because that  incites hooliganism but drinking is allowed till middle of the night.

 

We condemn the Iraq war and Saddam was a friend and then we say, “People of India loves Bush.”

 

We say, “Tata please come to our land if they don’t want you.” Then we say,  “North Indians Go Back.”

 

The English came and saw that we fight a lot and cashed on the opportunity , later we became one and dragged them out but we have not stopped fighting since then.

 

We are a confused lot, still in transit.

Speak No More

It is so surprising to know that language was invented and had evolved for humans to communicate better and use language as a bridge to connect to more people. Today language is one of the biggest political lottery everyone is trying to win and it is being used simply to convey just one message, “Stay Away.”

 

“No Hindi” is a sign of love for your own culture and region. If you dare speak in Hindi you will be asked to go back. And by the way someone tell that old man to stop hoisting his pom pom every now and then.

 

As an Indian I will speak whatever language I want to and wherever I want to. I don’t know why did Jaya even apologize. All she said was, “People of Maharashtra, please excuse me. I am from Uttar Pradesh so I will speak in Hindi.” What is so wrong if someone wants to talk in Hindi or any other language? Why this dadagiri?

 

Now the old man will again wave his pom pom and demand all Hindi films should have Marathi subtitles and dubbing in Marathi. They should only have Marathi people working in Hindi films, speaking Marathi dialogues.

 

Now that Babri Masjid is not an agenda anymore so the old man wants some thing which will keep him in the headlines so that people don’t forget the old man and his sons don’t send him to an old age home.

 

I once heard “Every pack has a joker” but now the state we are in, I think one should say, “Every party has a moron”

 

Here is some more NEWS.

http://www.ndtv.com/convergence/ndtv/story.aspx?id=NEWEN20080064633

I have been Tagged

OK I have been tagged. I have been tagged for the first time in all my blogging life of 3 years. And the blogger who tagged me did not even give me her blog link. It was only the common friend Sanjukta who was kind enough to share the link with me and that is how I came to know about this tagging business.

 

Seema has asked me to write about 5 quotes from the books I have read. So Seema here are the 5 quotes from the books I have read:-

1. The Earth is round.  2nd Standard Geography Text Book

2. Democracy is by the people, for the people and from the people. 5th Standard Civics Text Book.

3. The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides. Pythogorus Theorem, 9th Standard Maths Text Book.

4. 1 calorie is the amount of heat required to raise the temperature of water by 1 degree centrigrade. Physics text book of 9th Standard.

5. Humans have 206 bones. 5th Standard Biology Text Book.

Thats all I could think of. 😛 sorry you did not specify text books not allowed.

Coffee Cup Conversation

 This is a story of 2 friends talking over cup of coffee. Nothing particularly interesting but they talk never the less becuase they love to talk. Lets call them Sally and Mary. So here is the conversation between Sally and Mary over cups of coffee, a story of, “Coffee cup conversation”.

 

Sally, “The coffee here is good.”

Mary, “Yeah and the waiter ever better.”

Sally, “Hmm! May be. My taste in men is different from yours. Ok tell me what kind of man do you like? I mean suppose you were married or living-in, what kind of man would you picturise yourself with?”

Mary, “Well, my man has to be my boss. I will be everyone’s boss but my man will be my boss.”

Sally, “interesting. Even I want to look at my man as a figure of authority. I dont like those mama’s pet or hen pecked husbands.”

Mary, “Neither do I. But even if I get a man like that it is not necessary that I would end up being with that man. I mean I belive in the concept of soul mates but your soul mate may not be the man you would end up falling in love with.”

Sally, “Interesting. But what do you mean?”

Mary, “See a man is not just an individual. He will come with his own sets of social, personal baggage which I might not be able to handle. So even if he is my soul mate I may not end up being with him. He may have a wife already, or may have an old widowed mother who would turn out to be a terrible mother in law. Knowing myself I wont get into all that.”

Sally, “Yes, I get your point. If God made soul mates. He surely did not make the social conditioning which acts as a repellent. God proposes and man disposes.”

Mary, “Yeah! Kind of. Hey there he comes again. Look at him, he is cute.”

Sally, “Stop staring at him. Hey did you see this NEWS before?”

Mary, “What NEWS?”

Sally, “This woman is seeking abortion rights because she is going to have a sick baby. She already is 7 months pregnant.”

Mary, “Really. I think she should be given abortion rights. After all its her body, her pregnancy.”

Sally, “I don’t think its about her anymore. The pregnancy is 7 months old which means its a live, moving, breathing baby, But I think she should be given abortion rights because knowing well in advance that she is going to give birth to a sick baby and then see the child die or suffer or not being able to live a normal life will be a bigger trauma for her and for the child. I am sure it must have been a difficult choice to make, afterall all their dreams, plans were surrounded by this pregnancy until they came to know about the medical condition of the unborn baby.”

Mary, “Yes, may be.”

Sally, “I think euthanasia should also be legalised in our country.”

Mary, “But it might be mis-used for property related issues.”

Sally, “Ya we also need stringent law enforcement agencies.”

Mary, “Ya and we also need to change so many redundant laws. I mean just look at the legal definition of rape. It is so sick. Only penile vaginal penetration is rape. Object insertion, anal sex, oral sex is not rape.”

Sally, “How sick and prudish is that. But what surprises me more is the reluctance on the government’s part. They will fight for quota, reservation, ram mandir, Amarnath shrine, religion, caste, community, they will fight for everything on earth but the grass root issues. Take the farmers suicide for example. Dr. Singh said, loans will be waived off and new loans will be disbursed. Arrey Bhai, the loans taken from the nationalised banks will be waived off what about the money taken from private lenders. And the old loans have still not been disbursed and they are talking about new loans now. How ridiculous?”

Mary, “Seriously, pass me the light.”

Sally, “You should try those ultra milds. They are really cool.”

Mary, “Hmm! When did you try those? You don’t even smoke.”

Sally, “I tried them at a restaurant. Just like that. Loved the sexy look of it.”

Mary, “Sexy looks does matter. I want a sexy man.”

Sally, “Yeah! But the waiter isn’t sexy at all.”

Mary, “I like Tom Cruise…”

Sally, “…and Aamir Khan too. But this movie Jaane Tu was a total bakwas.”

Mary, “Yeah, in fact I liked Ugli aur Pagli more. The way Ugli loved Pagli is so sweet and that is what I call true love.”

Sally, “So you want someone who would love you like crazy with all your faults.”

Mary, “I guess so.”

Sally, “OK, In that case try writing a mail to that film maker friend of yours. He is matured, looks decent, is interesting, will not be too much of a botheration, just what you want.  Ask him out, ask him to come to your city.”

Mary, “Good idea. I will write a mail to him.”

Sally, “When?”

Mary, “I will, I will.”

Sally, “Today?”

Mary, “OK. Today.”

Sally, “Right away.”

Mary, “OK. Right away.”

They open the laptop to write a mail to this guy, one more coffee follows and some more conversation.

Jamai Shoshti

Mother: Soooo… you want to become my son-in-law. Suitor: No, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter.

 

In the month of Jaishtha , there is a festival among Bengalis called, Jamai Shoshti -a celebration meant for the beloved son-in-laws. Usually during shoshti, the sixth day of the lunar mothers fast for the well being of their offspring. Shoshti in the month of Jaishtha is dedicated to the son-in-law. On this day, the mother-in-laws pray for their son-in-law’s good health and fortune. After prayers, they are treated to a scrumptious dinner and new clothing.

 

This year Jamai Shoshti fell on Monday, 9th June. I was feeling  lazy since morning so decided to bunk office. Vinayak stayed at home to give me company and 12 p.m. when I finally woke up, the carpenter was there to repair the Kitchen door. Vinayak’s 1st Jamai Shoshti after our wedding, started on an insinuation, when the carpenter quipped, “I would not have come to this house had I not promised to come. This place stinks.” Yes, our home stinks because of the always pooping dogs that we own.

 

Maa  lives in another city, so she had given me special instructions to make Vinayak’s day very special and cook all his favourite food.  But the kitchen was virtually sealed for us and we ordered chocolate mousse, crab masala, prawn fry, mutton pepper fry from Mangalore Pearl. By the time we were all ready to go out to celebrate Jamai Shoshti, it was 8 p.m. We decided to go out, pick booze and food. We bought wine and some cold cuts from Food World and I made some sandwiches after coming back home.

 

In the evening as Kenny Roger’s crooning went on, we were reasonably drunk and decided to do justice to the wine by making love to each other in all our tipsiness..

 

While we were at it, we could hear the clanking sound of Allepey’s heart shaped leash locket. But we did not care. When we came out, there were empty plates which once had food especially laid out for my Vinayak on his special day. Our two puppies had partied on all the food that was there when we were busy coo chi cooing in the middle of the night.

 

So there it was Vinayak’s 1st Jamai Shoshti feast  in the tummy of our doggies