How we F####d the Dosa

After having read our ordeal with Chhole Bhature, and our reasons to fuck the Idli. Its time we tell you how do we fuck their “dosa” and you guessed the reason right. Dosa, by the way itself is a fucked up food, I mean , with mashed potato inside it is already screwed so re-fucking it would mean gang raping it. But who cares, if they can mess with our food we can mess with theirs with double the blow. And this time , they messed it with our poor aloo ka parantha…This is how, they did it… Sanjukta and Constant Motion were really hungry, so they decided to have aloo ka parantha as all the food out lets were closed as Bangalore goes snoozing at 10 pm , so we again were beggars without any choice but to order it from this restaurant. Now, tell me one thing, what would you call a bag made up of refined floor filled with mashed yellow potato, fried and all loose like an old woman’s skin. Well, they call it “Aloo Parantha” but I would rather call it an Udder filled with potato” So now its time for ashes to ashes and dust to dust. So here is the plan:- Step 1. Get Masala Dosa from Anna’s restaurant. Carefully un-roll the Dosa and scrap out the Aloo and keep aside. Step 2. Take a Tawa and put butter and let it smoke. Place the Dosa and let it become crispy brown on both the sides. Once done, remove and sprinkle some kewra flavor. Step 3. on the same tava, now put butter, fry tej patta, badi ilaichi, laung, jeera, hing, kali mirch and then fry chopped onion, lots of garlic, ginger and tomato. Once its fried well, put Kasoori Methi, Deghi Mirch, Kashmiri Mirch, Boiled Chhole, Paneer, saffron Water and all the known north Indian spices that you can possibly think of (you can also take the help pf online encyclopedia for this sadistic pleasure). Fry everything well. Then put the Dosa Aloo and fry for 5 min. Step 4. Now spread this masala on that crispy fried dosa that you had kept aside. Generously sprinkle kajoo, kishmish, kesar, dhania leaves, pudina leaves on it and also cover it with silver foil. Step 5. And Still call it a DOSA and argue with a south Indian about its authenticity.

How we F####d the Idlis

Joint effort by Sanjukta and Constant Motion. At the outset a piece of irrelevant information. Constant motion who was formerly known as Encounter Specialist is my child hood friend we have been bickering and tolerating each other for the past 20 years. And now we have started calling each other husband and wife. Constant motion being the nagging wife and Sanjukta being this lost husband. Went school together, college together and now working together. Both relocated to Bangalore recently. In all our excitement of celebrating the kick start of our independent existence as a single super woman, on our first weekend together here, we thought let’s check out Bangalore. We made our way to the only anaar for laakho bimaar, the one of the two decent malls in Bangalore…Garuda Mall. Nice one, just that it’s a tiny facsimile of the countless Malls that Delhi and NCR has. No self respecting Delhite would be impressed by it. Neither were we. But then beggars can’t be choosers, now that we are here in Bangalore for good, we might as well learn to live with it. Another piece of not so relevant information about us. We both are voracious eaters, she is just a bit too lucky that it doesn’t reflect on her while it seems that I carry the reflection of both mine and her eating habits. Now let me come straight to the point. Why and how did we fuck the Idlis. You all know what are Idlis. Made of rice powder served with coconut chutney, an Idli is the tradition, the honor, the life and soul of any voracious or moderate eater hailing from southern India. But we don’t like south Indian food much. So, in the food court we thought of having Chole Bhature. Now, admittedly we did have had prior experiences of south Indian Chefs messing up with North Indian dishes on many occasions. For eg. once we had anxiously dug out curry pattas from biryani, fished out pieces of brinjals from chole, another time we had shahi paneer which was white in color etc. But, from a food outlet operating in a happening place like Gadura Mall, we expected some amount of integrity. Also, we were missing Delhi so much, we didn’t realize how bad things can get. For one we don’t understand why can’t they get the damn recipe right and exactly why can’t they resist the temptation of putting south Indian flavor in traditional north Indian dishes. We both so can’t stand this cuisine pollution done by the Tentuls (Bengali slang for bad south Indians cooks, the word literally means Tamarind) So we went ahead and placed our order for chhole bhature and as we waited for our so called authentic dilli ke chhole bhature we thought we might as well try the gol gappe. The gol gappe were not fusionised with south Indian flavors though (thank God) as they had done it in Marina beach in Chennai by putting piping hot boiled chhole on gol gappes making it all soggy and then flavoring it, literally with 1 drop of red chutney. Any way, so this time they had the decency of keeping the Gol gappe Gol (round) but again all the chutney given with it were bland and we had to eat it with sprouted moong dal. Any way, still tolerable. Now it was time for us to get the taste of thunder. A really gigantic poori with a tiny bowl of yellow colored chhole with some cabbage salad. The poori was just a simple, oily, huge in size and not actually a “bhature” to start with. We actually had to use lot of tissue papers to clean the oil out of it lest it shows on our sexy figures. After having tasted the ‘chole bhature’ we decided enough is enough, its high time we teach them a lesson. The method was simple. An eye for an eye. They screw with our chole bhature we gonna fuck their Idlis. This is how. Step I: Add jeera (cumin seed), elaichi (Cardamom), clove and mustard seeds in the rice power paste used to make Idli. Make Idlis the usual way. Take out the cooked Idli from Idli maker, crumble them and keep them aside. Step II: Now, take a big Kadai (wok). Add 4 tablespoon of Desi Ghee (clarified Butter) in it and heat. On heated ghee, put tej patta and jeera, badi elaichi. Fry them for few seconds and then add 4 large chopped onions, 4 table spoon full of garlic, ginger and green chili paste. Toss and turn and fry this mixture till light brown and then add 2 finely chopped tomatoes. Once the tomato starts drying up add the previously crumbled Idli into the kadai and stir and toss and turn. Add some more ghee if you find the mixture dry. Add salt to taste. Step III: Now, Spread the mixture on a dish and put it in the tandoor (clay oven). Finally, serve it with coconut chutney with safed jeera chownk instead of Sarso (mustard seeds) and garnish it with Dhaniya leaves (coriander leaves), tomato slices and…now pay attention here coz this is the biggest blow…and still call it a plate of Idli. Call above preparation an Idli come what may, and serve it @ Rs.45.00 per plate to a south Indian who comes looking for south Indian food in a north Indian restaurant which claims to serve ‘Authentic South Indian Cuisine’, and that’s how you fuck an Idli.

Bas Ek Pal

I am so inspired by the writings of Paolo Coelho.  As he rightly says, we hurriedly want to grow up and then we keep talking about our childhood. We  make ourselves sick in the rush to earn money and then we spend the money to cure that ill ness. We live as if we will never die and we die as if we never lived…so true…this writing has inspired me so much that I now want to cherish each and every  moment. 

Life always has been a great teacher for me and off late I have started believing that life is so unpredictable that it is best lived unplanned…each moment spent as if it were your last. I am truly inspired by his “Veronica decides to die” .  How would you live if you come to know that you only had few more days to live? 

Probably this is how I would live… 

 I would spend 24 hours from that balance pretending as if I were married to my soul mate.  

Moment spent in doing nothing at all, just sitting by the window, looking at children play.Moment spent playing with my dog. Moment spent in making dinner for my mom and dad and sipping wine with dad. Listening to old songs with my dad and probably listening to the tapes where he recorded my and my brother’s voice when we were really small.  I would also spend a moment to write a letter of “Thank You” for each person who holds a special place in  my life. One moment spent watching a Hrishikesh Mukherjee flick and laughing and rolling at the “Carry on series”.  One moment spent on telling my crush that I have fallen for him without feeling ashamed.  One moment spent at abusing that girl I so dislike.  

One moment spent in solitude, one moment spent with the crowd, one moment spent with the gathering and one moment spent with God. One moment spent with myself. One moment with nothing at all.  

One moment pretending to be someone’s mother, someone’s daughter-in-law.  

One moment thinking about how would people’s life be when I am gone? 

One moment, right now… 

As I write this post, I am still thinking about doing something in the future if I had known that I have just few more days to live and who knows may be I really have few more days to live but I still cant live for the moment because as long as I have hope I know I would continue to live in the future. Dreaming, planning, and moving on… 

 

Viscious Cycle

It’s a vicious cycle. A boy goes to vernacular school because his father is a farmer and can not afford expensive English school for his son. Then his son is not allowed to write the final exams  because of school fees which remains unpaid due to bad crop this year and due unseasonal rains because of global warming. The farmer is under 3 lacs debt and finds it impossible to make ends meet, thankfully he has a bottle of pesticide which he drinks due to helplessness and government ‘s mismanagement of funds.  He dies, his son now is a school dropout but he cant follow his father’s profession because there is no money to restart all over again nor can he end his life like his father because who would look after his mother and 4 young siblings. 

 The mother makes good local snacks so he somehow manages to borrow few hundreds and asks his mother to make snacks like khakra, chakli, namakpaare etc, which he carries every morning and sells door to door in the city but hardly any one buys it. It not hygienic nor does it have any of those fancy packing. He one day goes to this girl’s house in the city who like the others refuses to buy it because she prefers “Lays” potato chips over “khakras”. She works in a call centre, speaks English, earns 20 thousand a month and feels proud to be a part of “India Poised, India Shining, India Rising” She feels proud because she is a part of this young and happening crowd of
India’s “Generation Next” . She earns for the Americans and then she spends her money on Lays, Coke, Nike shoes and Swiss Spas. Her mom any way has to cook dinner because even if she also is a part of “India Shining”, she at the end of the day has to cook dinner for a family of 4 no matter how tired she is, the dinner must be served hot and fresh. So she goes to the vegetable market and thinks of going to this vegetable selling lady who happens to be the farmer’s widow (the widow decided to sell vegetables like potato, green chili, lemon, ginger etc to support the family after her husband committed hara kiri) . But the lady on her way to this vegetable selling lady happens to see a new super market which claims to sell everything under one roof at a very affordable price. And it looks posh also. So she changes her direction towards that super market leaving this widow vegetable seller waiting for another customer who would prefer to buy vegetables and other groceries as it used to be in the olden days.
 

This super market is an American chain and looks stylish.  People are flocking it because end of the day a wife still has to cook and clean after the board meeting is over.  The hard earned money of their husbands are spent on these super markets and the American owner thanks Indian middle class for their generosity for making this American owner more rich.  

In the mean time the American super market owner with money earned from Indian middle class tells the Indian Government that it wants to open more retail chains. So the Government which has been elected only by 50% of Indians by will and rest 50% by booth capturing and not elected  by people who think voting is a waste of time, election day is a holiday so might as well go for a picnic, who work in call centre and do not get time off to cast vote and the call centre cabbies who have to drop the staff to the company (so many votes wasted) . So this Government procures land in the name of SEZ and retail boom and development and gives it to this American owner at a very affordable price. This land is procured from farmers by making false promises to them, because in any case the farmer would eventually commit suicide and the sons would sell  silly stuffs like khakra and not use the farm land to make a living. The widow would need a hospital when she would grow old and frail but there would be no hospital because the land has been given to someone else in the name of “Development”. The boy now would need night shelter to spend chilly nights  because he had to sell his house also, but there would be none available, no “anganwadi” available for his young siblings also. There would no free schools also because all land has been given away for making roads to accommodate more cars, more malls, parking spaces, amusement parks, call centers etc. But what to do life goes on, so this boy gets married like the so many out there, have children like the so many out there but where would all the children live? They need houses. So lets cut the forests and cover the sea to make way for our houses and get land and more vacant land. So the tiger dies, the cattle survives and eats more and more grass lands making it bald, barren and lose. So next year of “India Shining”, people die due to land slide, commit suicide because of unseasonal rains and floods, famine, droughts.  But the super market building does not crumble due to any of these natural invited calamities as it is made of stuff which are made in
Japan. But the American owner decides to try some other market because people here are no longer spending and making him rich since they are more busy settling their lives after all these disasters. So the retail shop, call centre closes down, people lose jobs and the government does not have enough grains in the grainery to feed the hungry because the farmers who were the “Annadatas” had committed suicide long before and their sons dread to continue the same profession.

Deviate

My life has never failed to surprise me. If I start to tell the story it would look like some script of some Hindi movie.  The one where you have a heroine falling in love with a hero (the rich girl poor boy story) they go against the whole world to be together and finally end up being together only to end fighting and going their separate way and the very same day when they are finally separated the girl quietly leaves the city never to be found out by this boy.  She still keeps wondering, how this boy must be  doing?”  

In the meantime when she was going through a lot of trouble she finds a man of her  dreams (well, that is what she thought initially) only to be lied by this so called Angel, who now becomes a “character artist” and the “hero” becomes a villain. Because he has been troubling her for quite some time now. In the mean time, (again) since the character artist lied to her she dumps him. And moves on to another city (as mentioned before) and again in her …( to be cont…as end is not yet known) 

 

Sometimes I wish to know my future and I wish if I could change it if it was tragic.  

Songs…humming in my mind…well…”Pyar ko Pyar hi rehne do koi naam na do” 

Why Why Why??? I always trust people so easily. I hate this habit and why am I so EMOTIONAL. Always believing in fairy tale stories. Well,  “And they lived happily ever after…happens only in Fairy Tales and who would not love to live happily ever after. After all it is happiness that we all are running after. A dialogue that comes to my mind now, from the film Bawarchi,”It is so simple to be happy but so difficult to be simple”. The answer to this statement is, people do not want simple things , they tend to complicate everything for you. And apart from being happy we also tend to look for Approval and acceptance. Because it gives us respect, admiration, recognition and acknowledgment.  It gives us a sense of community and belonging. Man after all is a social animal, and he would invariably look for society and to live in a society he would do conformist things to avoid controversy.  

Well  there I go again…as usual..kaha ki baat kaha leke aa gai… 

Hmm….feels good..feels like heaven…and I wish it turns out to be true coz I really really want it this time…Please

Story

Again I start to write, again after a long time. Had gone through many ups and downs, latest on the list being a divorce followed by a relocation. Did not know how to react to this incident of my life. Awaited so many years just for the marriage to happen and now its all over.  I had sent sms to all my close friends that day. My cousin replied and I am mentioning only her because what she wrote really forced me to think. She said, any chance to life is worth feeling happy for. So here  I am feeling light (happy or not I do not know, may be I am) after dropping my past baggage. 

It feels great to live your life in your own terms, without restrictions. It feels lonely also sometimes when you have no one to go back home to. Well I should not call it a home in the first place. It’s a guest house, dirty, cramped guest house full of strange people. I call them strange because I do not know them. Your people make you your home and I do not have my people here. It feels lonely many times. But come to think of it you feel lonely  even when you are among your own people. When you go back home you see your family there but still you do not feel like sharing your things with them. You have a boyfriend a husband still you feel lonely because you are always expected to do things to please him to avoid fights. Anyway now at this stage I should not be talking about these things as now I am at least free and apart from being a little patch of loneliness here and there , as such there is no stress in life. (Touchwood) 

I still long for my friends. It is so much fun with them around. Looking forward to when few of them would come and join me here. 

One friend told me that he would spend his new years eve with me, well, I knew it already that time that he would not come and I told him so but he still insisted that he would and  I replied, “Tu bhi yahi hai and mai bhi yahi hu, dekhte hai”. Well I am proved right. 

That is precisely the reason why I do not expect anything from anyone  because I know it is very easy to promise but very difficult to deliver. 

One thing more that I do not like is taking obligations from others. It kind of gives the other person a chance to prove to others that how helpless you have been and this person came to your rescue. I dont not like being helpless. And I, thinking that person to be a good friend asked for help. But you know what, I was proved right. He did precisely the same , went about telling others how he helped me. 

Never imagined my life to be like this as a child. Always ambitious. Always dreaming. And father would tell me to stop fantasizing. Why do I keep looking back every time and think what I lost or could not do. I can prefer to choose to feel happy about the things that I have got in the process.  

So lets see what have I got? A good fulfilling job, independence, family, friends. What else contributes to a happy life? I am happy at least I can make a choice with a free mind.  

If this time I hurt myself then no one else is to be blamed because I am consciously doing certain things. Being aloof and lonely is one of them…may be. 

I love to be alone sometimes but I also love to be surrounded by people. My friends complain, why do I need so many people around me? I do not have an answer to convince them it is just a good feeling. I like people…generally. And life is so short and unpredictable that I really do not feel the need to restrict myself to few people. I am being branded as “immature” by some of my friends, naïve by many others but just because I have a different point of view does not give the right  to pass judgment about me, by any one.  

So who do I hate the most in my life? No one. Not even him. I think the most hated part of my life is my state of loneliness. I wish I could do something about it. 

Who do I love the most in my life? Well, that is difficult, because I love so many people that I really can not say who do I love the most.  

I do not know why have I become so aloof. I want good for everyone. Yet I do not want to be bothered anymore.   

Something I wish, a home where I would look forward to going back every evening. A loving family. A dog and no stress. Friends coming over once a month having a good quiet time with them. Going to their places once a month. You know small little things that we take for granted. I want all the small little things.  

I am ambitious in my own way. But small things is what makes you big, I guess. 

What is it that I want to write that also I do not know. Just writing as if I would have written in my diary.  

Will try to write more often now.  

 

 

Letter To Someone

I don’t  know how it is for a man to be in love as I have always failed to understand their emotional side because they have failed us women in so many ways. So when it comes to you I really do not know what it is for you to be in love and how it is for you to love a woman. But today I can safely say how it is for a woman to love. I can safely say this to you because I trust you, trust you completely and I know I would not end up making a mockery of myself as I had done before. 

 I am still struggling for words, you know to tell you how does it feel. I was going through the Chat history just like that and was witnessing how things took shape between you and me. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever realize that I would end up being so passionately in love with you. I always thought that love is an arrangement, people choose to be in love with a particular person rather than fall in love. (this comes from my blog if you would remember) even my previous relationship also was a choice that I made  for myself  misinterpreting sympathy as love. But now after knowing you I realize how it is to be in love and I thank you for making me realize this and making me feel ”new” again.  

I am again making a choice of  being in love. It is euphoric. We always repent for our past and we live for the future.  Never in our lives have we lived for the present and treasured it. I want to make a choice of living in the present as long as it is possible for me. And my present is you. I want to live for you, live to love you. I love loving you. I love nurturing this relationship. I realize that it is a distance relationship and things may not look that hunky dory but I would still like to make an honest effort. I want to be your best friend and I want to be anyone who you want me to be. That is how I want to love you. I don’t pray for you because I know nothing bad can happen to you. I don’t expect any legitimate name to be given to this feeling or relationship because I know there is no name for this. I love you and that is all that matters to
me., spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally, in every possible way that you are comfortable in, I want to love you.
May be nothing of this is making any sense to you at all, but may be when you reach the stage I am in. When you understand what it is simply to love someone unconditionally may be that day each word would make perfect sense to you. 

I realize the constrains from your end and trust me I would never in my life create any trouble for you because I really like it when you smile from within. When you reciprocate in the same way as I do I really feel nice.   

Last night I apologized, but my intentions were never to hurt you. Somehow I felt that may be I am making things difficult for you. May be you want to take a decision which you are not able to take because you are a sensitive person and usually would not hurt anyone . But I just want you to understand that all that matters to me is your happiness and no matter what it takes I just want you to be happy. So even if that means that we would be together may be for few more months like this I would still like to give it a shot because I do not want my present to be wasted thinking about the future. And whenever its time for you to leave you are free to go. However, I would always be there with you, for you by your side as a constant  companion , whatever name you want to give at that time, that is up to you.Below is a small piece that I wrote to some of my female friends on a “woman’s love” 

 

 

This is how it is for a woman in love. 

“ I Would like to treasure, nourish and nurture”Want you to be content because I am selfish 

 

I would take care of you even when I am the most helpless.Would love you even when you do not have any thing to give me ,Would ensure that your children do not starve even when you do not have anything to feed me.I would ensure that the life which is borne out of you in me is fed with my own blood because that is ours.Would respect you and stand by you even if you fail me, disappoint me  once again, over and over again. 

 

Well this is how it is for me to love you. Take care.  And I shall not say anymore how much I love you, how much you matter, how much I value you, what are you to me and how much I miss you.